As part of my examining what my testimony truly means, I wrote a letter to different stages of my younger self. 

I wouldn’t be me if I did not boo hoo cry while writing this letter.  It was so healing and therapeutic, though.

I wept, not just for the harsh and sometimes overwhelming memories that this exercise brought, but I cried tears of joy as I welcomed the fun moments. 

For so long I feared going back into my childhood because of the painful things that are back there, but writing a letter to my younger self reminded me that joy and beauty existed there as well. 

And isn’t that just like life itself? Never all one thing, good or bad.  But a complicated mix of everything in between.

I share my letter below. 

Let me know in the COMMENTS, have you ever written a letter to your younger self?  If so, what did you learn from it?

As ugly as the healing process gets, I am so grateful for the beauty it leaves behind.

Dear Lala,

You sweet, beautiful girl.

It’s hard to know where to start, so I’ll start here. With you as a tiny baby. Though I don’t have any pictures of you, I imagine you were such a gorgeous little baby (I meaannnn LOLL). You don’t understand language just yet, but you do understand nurturing and warmth. You know when you’re alone or afraid. You perceive the frustration and hurt around you. You’ll grow up longing to see baby pictures of yourself. You’ll have moments where you look at baby pictures of others and get so sad at the notion that that will never be your reality. Your hope is that you’ll see the pictures of yourself and maybe get some insight into who you are and why. There will always be something about it that makes you feel so unseen. But even now, as a helpless little baby, you are covered and loved beyond comprehension.

Little Lala, now age 5.

You’ve had to grow up fast. You started walking and talking before you were even a year old. You have a new little person in the world with you now and neither of you know what’s going on. The blind leading the blind chilee LOL. You’ve both endured so much already. I know your brain can’t process all the changes, but at this young age you already do know so much. You wish that you could stay in just one place and not go from house to house. Shelter to shelter. So much uncertainty. So much lack.

I wish I could tell you that things will get better soon. But they won’t.

Hold on to that new little person in your life. She may get on your nerves now, but she’ll be there when you’re scared. Hold her tight and cherish the moments you all have together deep in your heart. Because of the things you’ll see and hear, you won’t remember much of this time in your life. It may not feel like it now, but better days are ahead. Even if so, so far ahead.

Now ages 9-12, Lala?! Oh, you’re in your little golden era, huh?

Don’t be rolling your eyes either! You’re growing so much! Your memories before now are fuzzy with all the moving, but you finally feel like things are “normal.” You have 3 little ones with you by now.  You’ve been living in the same place this whole time, got yourself a best friend and you’ve even met your real daddy!

But you still wish Mamma wouldn’t leave at night. The truth is that nothing is “normal” about your life, and you know it. But you are holding onto the good things you’ve found. And that’s okay. For now. I’m so proud of you for still being a kid. For making up “drills” with your friends. For racing in the street barefoot, jumping double Dutch and riding your bike. It would’ve been so easy to let go of the innocence that was taken from you.  But not you. You found hope.

Being one of the smartest in your class, having a best friend, finally knowing your real daddy, being the oldest sister, all these things make you feel safe. They make you feel seen. I know people and things make you feel whole right now and I’m so sorry that they can’t hold you forever. But you will need something, someone rather, much sturdier. Your daddy introduced you to Him already. You’re smart. It will make sense soon. 

Teenage Lala. 13 years old.

Remember that sturdier “someone” I mentioned a while ago? It’s making sense to you already! I know you weren’t sure if the day would come, but you prayed and asked God for it anyway and now Mamma is clean and sober!

What a life you’ve lived in such a short time. It’s hard to believe someone so young has seen and endured so much.

One day you’ll look back over your entire life and see God’s fingerprint at every stage. For now, understand that your life is finally about to change for the better. Things will stabilize.

But I must be honest. There will still be so much pain that you don’t yet understand. As much as you wished that Mamma getting clean would solve it all, it won’t. I know you weren’t responsible for the things you’ve been through, but no one on this earth is coming to pick up the pieces.

Before you leave for college, call your daddy.

Remember how excited you were as a little 12-year-old girl to meet him for the first time and how happy you were to escape to Chicago when life with Mamma was rough. Forgive him.

A new life is getting ready to open to you. But don’t be ashamed of the life you are leaving behind. Each stage of your life carries clues about how God will use you for His glory. It was all necessary. Even those forgotten things.

Don’t hold too tightly to your plans. You don’t know it yet, but God’s plans are better.

P.S. Your wedding day will be better than you could’ve ever imagined.

Freely,

Your older, wiser, still very silly and loving self 🤎